Life is hard. There is so much happening in our world that it almost seems impossible to do everything. We eventually fall into a rhythm and life moves quickly. It was not until my accident that I realized just how much I had taken life for granted. I share as my first post, an entry from my personal journal.
‘It’s been a long time. For months I drove back and forth to San Antonio without incident and then bam, the unexpected happened. My life was changed by a single act of carelessness. For the last 7 months I haven’t gotten to go back to a place I know and love and place that was home for so many years. So naturally, when I went back yesterday, I was excited. Just to be in San Antonio has a feeling of comfort. Although my time there was brief, it was nice to be back. But for the first time, I was going to drive back to Houston down the same road that had nearly taken my life 7 months prior. Thank God that my brother James was there for me on the road (a mental health professional was key on the road) but also my incredible Becca supporting me over the phone. The whole drive we were laughing and catching up on life and how we had both grown.
But then it came time to be back where it all began. The panic began to set in 10 miles before the site. My back tensed up with the thoughts of being there. A flashback like no other started to set in. 7 months of therapy though had prepared me for this day. The verse that I had used since two days after the accident began to repeat in my head “The Lord is my Shepard I shall not want”. Then the feelings of self-doubt intertwined with the repeating verse. “You should have died” “if only they had been 30 seconds late”. It was a dark feeling and then as quick as those thoughts, feelings and pain came back, we were there.
I wanted to get out of the car and be there again. The grass had grown back, there were pieces of a tire from a car. But things looked okay. It made me think how time heals but knowing that like my feelings and pain, there are pieces stuck deep in the ground. I didn’t cry and I couldn’t have stopped had it not been for Becca, therapy, my family and friends. I went for the rest of the day thinking about it. Later that night with my buddies I looked up and had a long flash back.
But this time I saw the site and thought of the support I had visiting with James there and Becca on the phone. And of all the people from UIW to my family and friends and suddenly the flash back was about peace, and I thought how can I let the grass grow back and continue to move forward to the next day.
I can do so with gratitude because I got to see the next day and the next. Every day since then the grass grows and gets a little greener. Life is beautiful even on its worst days. The Lord is my Shepard I shall not want.’